“Uterine Invader! I mean, happy breeding to you!”

With thanks to JJ for the quote!

Folks, somehow this ended up in my uterus:
Uterine invader!

I KNOW, RIGHT? I’m as confused as you are, but I suspect that project partner, housemate, and special friend Far McKon may have had some involvement. I raise my eyebrow at you, sir.

Here’s a FAQ about my spawn.

Basic stats?
Due mid-August. Sex unknown. Name TBD. Proto-baby was not planned, per se, but also not a surprise. Anticipated delivery at The Birth Center. Using a doula who has a special interest in this birth, as she also acts as my sister when she’s not applying counterpressure or advising on the latest research on perineal massage.

I’m your friend. Why did you tell the Internet before you told me?
Erm, it’s complicated? I’m really sorry if my failure to disclose is annoying or hurtful.  Parts of the Internet already know and it’s public knowledge to anyone who has seen me in the last couple months. But this is a life milestone that is difficult for me to share spontaneously because, what? I call someone up and say, “Woot, I’m spawning!” and they’re like, “Ok? Should I buy you something now that your normal life is essentially over and the nature of our friendship may fundamentally change?” “Erm, no, in fact I don’t think there’s any action for you to take. Huh, this is awkward. K, I’m gonna go and not drink a beer. Later.”

If you didn’t know before now, it’s not because I don’t care about you. On the contrary, it may be because I wanted to put off changing the perception of our relationship for as long as possible. This is a game-changer, sure, but it’s not a personal philosophy reverser. Chances are that I’ll be a sleep-deprived, hormone-soaked zombie for about 4 months, then start to re-enter the world with a steadily returning ability to consider and converse. I hope that I’ll be as good a friend with-kid as I was without.

Ok, so this is on the Internet now. Are you going to change your profile picture to creepy 3D ultrasound copies or baby pics?
At the moment, this is not an anticipated action. However, all predictions come with the caveat that one never knows what might happen after a major life change. To paraphrase Rick James, oxytocin is a hell of a drug.

Breeding, i.e., the act of promulgating your genetics forward in time and space, is an inherently egotistical act. How do you justify this, particularly from an environmental perspective?
Not particularly well, I admit. The original idea arose from thinking about the kind of household/immediate community I want to live in. I wanted to share resources (done), share ideas and project activities (done), wanted to live in a low-conflict, high-functioning group (done), and I hoped to have inter-generational energy around (pending). It’s true that pre-fab children are available through the foster care and adoption systems and that’s something that’s still on the table. But I figured that maybe it would be better to make stupid first-time parent mistakes on an individual who didn’t come to us already saddled with identity issues that would require care and experience to help with.

Neat! Do you need anything? What can I do or give to show support and/or delight in your reproductive viability?
You know what I would love? Write a note or letter to the spawn about your life now, the spawn’s weird parents, your most encouraging hopes and advice. And cat pictures.

As far as baby-industrial complex crap, we’re mostly set with newborn stuff and storage space is at a premium. There’s a short list of things we haven’t gotten, but mostly we’re in good shape. I wouldn’t turn down frozen food in preparation for the first weeks with Babycakes. There’s a scheduling site that lets people sign up for food and housework shifts, and that would be appreciated for sure. I’ll post the sign-up info later. Used children’s books are always a winner, especially if you sign it or add a note! Also, come visit. Continue to be part of our lives. It’s ok to invite me out for drinks, too. For the moment I’ll just stick with seltzer, but it’s awesome to see you, even without alcohol!

What else? Tell me! Tell me!
Sure! I have some stored up thoughts about the process that I’ll consider pulling out and posting as the weeks go by. Mostly, this pregnancy is absolutely textbook-normal, to the point of being boring. I’ve never been so happy to be so average. I don’t feel controlled by hormonal wildfires, but I am looking forward to being able to tie my shoes without a massive effort sometime soon. Kiddo naps a lot but gets really active a couple times a day. It feels really neat like a lava lamp in my abdominal cavity, despite it being truly reminiscent of Alien.

So…There you go, I’m out! Which is more than I can say for Baby, at least for the next 4-6 weeks.

6 thoughts on ““Uterine Invader! I mean, happy breeding to you!”

    1. I hope that by “mini” you are referring to its size, because there is nothing mini about the power this creature has over you. truly a mega overlord.

  1. Freakin awesome!
    So sad that we won’t be here to see you at first, alas so happens, but one day your offspring will meet our little monster and they can compare notes on their parents.

  2. And it’s posts like this that are why I think you’re awesome. <3

    I can't wait to be a bad influence on the Replicant. Aunty Shiva's the one who teaches 'em how to blow up sandwich bags and pop them and play practical jokes on parental units.

    Just giving you fair warning. ;)

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